One thing I’ve learned in my almost three years of marriage is the art of compromise. That’s actually the politically correct and clichéd way of putting it. What I’ve actually learned is the skill of bartering, or man time negotiation.
Last weekend, my wife went with me to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. As most men are no doubt aware, this isn’t the type of thing that a woman does voluntarily. As a rule, girls don’t dig talking primates and battles. I think it should be a mandate that there is ALWAYS room for battles. Since she sacrificed much of what she stands for to see that movie, I would soon have to do the same. Today I paid the piper when I accompanied her to see The Help.
This is a story that involves societal women in the south and their treatment of their maids. The movie is based on a novel of the same name that every single girl over the age of seven owns. We walked into the sold out theater and I immediately saw the three other males in the audience. We stand out at events such as these. I made eye contact with each of them and we formed an unspoken bond as they too were there to pay their penance. I think I’d seen one of them earlier in the summer at Zookeeper. We were both making it up to our wives for making them go see Captain America. You do what you’ve got to do.
I really don’t like going to these movies with my wife because I feel so much pressure to act sensitive. I had to whip up some fake tears when the main character in the movie realized a woman who helped raise her passed away. I cannot stand having to fake cry at movies. I haven’t seen a Disney movie since 1986 when Feivel sang Somewhere Out There. Even as an eight year old I felt pressure and “fake” cried for three hours after we got home from the theater because of that Godforsaken song.
The fall months are approaching and they bring with them cooler temperatures, changing leaves, college football, and a new season of TLC. For those of you still single, TLC is a channel that wives love to watch because of their shows about fashion, any baking fad, and stupid southern people. I’m not proud of it, but I no longer view TLC as a bargaining chip. I have been sucked into this world of extreme couponing and hoarding. I got rid of all of my baseball cards and filled the plastic sheets with coupons. Kristen asked me the other night what we were going to fix for dinner. I told her I wasn’t sure but it would probably involve mustard. Why, you ask? I don’t like it and I don’t need it but I had a super saver coupon. We now have 27 bottles and we are going to use every one of them. Thanks Extreme Couponing.
If you have not done so already, please do yourself a favor and catch Toddlers and Tiaras. It is absolutely must see TV. Where else can you find overweight redneck women forcing their three-year-olds to get botox and weaves? I watch it so that I can learn about sass.
Please don’t get me wrong, boundaries do exist. I will sacrifice football before I ever watch one of the Housewives of… shows but that’s fine and dandy because I can usually just substitute it with Teen Mom.
So yes, three years of marriage has trained me well. I’ve accepted the fact that man cards do not exist within the context of holy matrimony. I’m also aware that like everything else in life, all things are negotiable.
So long as dignity is not involved.
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