An Open Letter to Tony Horton

Dear Tony Horton: Since I've moved to Charleston, SC, I haven't been in a gym. I tried desperately to make myself run but it's cold outside and I don't like running when it's cold. I caved and decided to try p90x. A neighbor let me borrow the dvd's so I got to work. First day I went out of order on accident and did arms and shoulders. Not a problem. However, the second day started something that I didn't enjoy. Plyometrics. Jump training is apparently not my friend. Before I left Shreveport two months ago, I was in pretty good shape. I was lifting weights regularly and running eight miles. Being 31 years old apparently means I lose my ability to rock much quicker. The non-enjoyment is two fold.

First, I felt like a male cheerleader. I don't meant that to say that I was doing back handsprings and lifting crap over my head. Instead, I was jumping and tucking my knees and then I was jumping and bringing my heels up behind my butt. I no longer felt masculine. I literally felt like a male version of a girl cheerleader. Then I had to get a chair and continuously swing my legs back and forth over it. That was cool until I completely lost my equilibrium and kicked the chair square into my three legged cat. The dude ran off again. Dick. So the process wasn't real enjoyable. Let me also point out that repeatedly telling me that there is a one legged guy doing these exercises with you and if he can do it then I should be able to also. This really demotivates me and it royally pisses off the cat because he certainly can't do it. My cat is missing his leg too and he can do most things that other cats can do but he doesn't get on tv and make others feel bad about it.

Second, I woke up the next day without the ability to walk. Unfortunately, I needed gas in my car so when I drove up to the gas station, I had to use the Oh Shit Bar to pry myself out of the car and then walk all bow legged and pigeon toed inside to pay. I hurt so bad that my wife refused to help me. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was complaining or the fact that I kept crossing my arms into the giant X every I talked to her, bragging about how EXTREME I was even though I was immobile and propped up in the bed. The pain lasted for three days and I think you suck. I also think you're deceiving everyone. You have yet to finish an exercise. You start it and do like two reps then get up to make sure everyone else is doing it right. I call Shenanigans. I also think you should drink more water. Your veins aren't suppose to pop out that much and I shouldn't be seeing every single muscle fiber in your shoulders. You're one vein SOB. I rock with the puns too.

Awesomely (and by awesome I indeed mean totally sweet),



Chris R. Noland

Tripod's Buried In The Bushes

I admit it, I'm a LOST freak. I didn't mean to do it, it just sort of happened. I had no intentions of ever watching the show. Sometime during the second season though, I got bored and rented the first season on DVD. At 5:30 the next morning, I had it wrapped up and my fanaticism was locked and loaded. We're almost through the sixth and final season and I'm ready to figure out what it's all about. I browse the message boards and read through theory websites. Let's face it, LOST is the next Star Wars for my generation. I am married now so I can freely admit what a choad I am when it comes to nerdy things.

The lovely lady that I'm married to happens to be a veterinarian. That brings with it certain elements and by elements I mean retarded animals. We have a hurricane Katrina rescue dog with ears like an elephant and a penchant for daring yard escapes be it through tunneling, jumping, eating, or opening the door and walking his way out of our little homestead here. We have a pomeranian with missing teeth and a hair loss problem. We cut his hair and it didn't grow back. He looks like an underdeveloped lion with dental issues. Then we have a three legged cat. Let me try to draw you a picture here. Sometimes when he's giving his butt a bath, the one hind leg he has sticks straight up in the air and he has this look in his eye that just beckons you over. Seriously, it makes him look like a real Don Juan. This is the suavest three legged cat you've ever seen. What makes him even cooler is I gave him an accent like Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV style.

Two extremely random thoughts that are about to converge like head-on locomotives. Stupid tripod ran away and I missed LOST while traipsing through the woods looking for my kitty. Make all the jokes you want. This animal knows the art of stealth. Remember, he's quieter than most animals because he has one less leg to make noise with. Dude is a straight up ninja. I scoured this place for an hour and a half. Looked in every bush and around every tree. I even freaked my neighbor out shining my maglite in her yard from over my fence. Kristen had the foresight to set a can of food out to entice him back in the yard. We were starting to give up hope but I figured I'd give it one last look out in the backyard. I open the door and there he was eating the food. He took one look at me and took off back into some bushes. I saw him this time though and followed him. He was probably in those bushes the whole time because even when I was looking directly at him, he was blending in perfectly, like Zartan.

We were glad to get him back and needless to say, he won't be going outside anymore. He's on my badlist for a while because I can't go scour LOST message boards tonight since I had to miss the stupid thing. That will wait for tomorrow. Being a nerd is awesome.

In A World...

I've had a crazy last ten days or so. Let me go ahead and reiterate why Kristen and I are out here. As I've repeated ad nauseam, we came out here for a do over. Not content with the daily grind and forced into jobs that make us miserable, we pledged that once we got out here, we would both find something that we enjoy. She's at an incredible veterinary hospital right now with bosses and a support staff that is more than she could have asked for. Kristen and job satisfaction/happiness: Check

The pebble in the pond for me so to speak started last week which I wrote about. I emailed Wright Thompson of ESPN and he responded and I was ultimately led to the Post and Courier. I have a foot in the door and now I help out with the sports page for the oldest newspaper in the south. This will hopefully lead towards a writing career for me. Chris on the way to job satisfaction/happiness: Check

As a small aside, I'd like to brag right here that I sent Wright Thompson a thank you email and that son of a bitch gmail chatted me. Yeah he's on my friends list. Eat it.

Most people who know me recognize that I have a fairly deep, articulate voice. When I meet people, I'm often told that I should try and do something with my voice. When we were in Shreveport, I tried and tried to get in touch with people regarding advice and possible ways to break into voice overs. NOBODY returned emails or phone calls. I got out here and made up my mind that I wasn't going to stop trying to make this happen until I exhausted every outlet I could find. I found different voice over artists and sent out email after email. Last week a guy promised me he'd call me and we could talk about it once he was finished with a huge project. I haven't heard from him yet but I'm looking forward to speaking with him.

I randomly sent an email to a man who goes by Zeus (no shit) and ten minutes later I had a reply asking me to call him. He included part of his demo reel and when I listened to it, my jaw hit the floor. He's one of the movie trailer guys, one of the IN A WORLD...guys. He does voice overs for the major networks too. I knew this dude's voice and he was willingto talk to me. I had an errand to run so I grabbed the number and planned on stopping in a parking lot to call (my phone doesn't work for crap here at the house). As I'm about to dial, this guy calls me. Unbelievable. To be frank, he told me the voice over world was almost impossible to break into. Vocally I had the type of voice that could be successful. Professionally, I do not have the background though. He told me that I should try to find some sort of position at a radio station just to get familiar with the environment. That's what I'm trying to do now. Ultimately I have to have a demo tape produced. Zeus told me that he would coach me for free and give me scripts to read and he'd help me make my demo. How awesome is this?

In my email I mentioned that he probably got this type of solicitation quite often. He told me he does but he called me because I mentioned we'd just relocated to Charleston and he lived nearby so he felt compelled to call this time. I explained to him that I'm not scared of the hurdles I've got to cross to get involved in this business. We just uprooted our family and moved out here on a whim. That took guts so I'm not afraid of a challenge. Things really are looking up here. I'm not naive enough to think that I'm going to automatically succeed in a career in voice over but man, this is a fun ride. I've always wanted to write and I've always wanted to talk and I have a foot in the door to both. I'm doing my best to kick that damn door down. Rock on.