HANDS HANDS HANDS

Since high school, I've told people that one of my ambitions is to write a humor column in the vain of Dave Barry. I feel like we have somewhat similar writing styles albeit, mine is likely a bit more crass. For years, he wrote a column for the Miami Herald that was syndicated nationally. For that, I am indeed a bit jealous. However, because of his ties to the city of Miami, Mr. Barry has something else that I might never have the opportunity to behold. The chance to run into one of the Police Women of Broward County.

Because I'm married (to a woman that believes cultural diversity is important), my television spends a lot of time tuned to TLC. I'm well versed in families of multiples, little people, cupcakes, hoarders, people who eat toilet paper as a hobby (I'm not joking), overweight redneck ladies who live vicariously through their daughters by forcing them into beauty pageants, the Duggars, and girl police officers. Police Women of Broward County follows four female officers as they travel in and around Miami, Florida fighting crime. Two of these women in particular stand out.

First is Andrea. She MIGHT be five feet tall but I doubt it. She takes down drug dealers and she's very angry when she does it. Watching her jump out of her blacked out SUV with her gun drawn yelling "HANDS, HANDS, HANDS" freaks me out and reminds me of how my sister use to treat me. In fact, I think my sister and Andrea are a lot alike. This police lady won't hesitate to rough up a perp just like my sister wouldn't hesitate to smack me around. Unfortunately I'm not kidding. I tried to play responsible older brother one time when my parents were out of town and she got a speeding ticket. I told her how she shouldn't speed. I don't know why that was so unexpected but she certainly didn't appreciate it. Basically, she landed a round house punch to my jaw and I fell down. I'm not proud of that but if I laid a hand on her in retaliation, my dad would kick me out of the house and disown me. Double standards are dumb. I think my sister and the short police lady would get along.

The other officer that stands out is Julie. She works in sex crimes. She's an older woman with what can only be described as Texas hair straight from a bottle. The hair is big, blond, and comes with plenty of attitude and bad language. The things that come out of her mouth when she's propositioning potential "Johns" really frighten me and are completely foreign to me, and I went to college. Watching how nonchalantly she walks up to men and casually asks them to do scary things to her is really kind of disturbing yet I can't stop watching.

Police Women on TLC follows ladies around several other counties in the country but none of them have quite the dynamic, or vulgarity, of those crazy Miami ladies. So Dave Barry, when you read this, make sure you tell Andrea and Julie that I said hey. Maybe one day we can all meet for a drink. I'll keep my hands where Andrea can see them but I'd prefer it if Julie doesn't really talk to me.