An Open Letter to Tony Horton

Dear Tony Horton: Since I've moved to Charleston, SC, I haven't been in a gym. I tried desperately to make myself run but it's cold outside and I don't like running when it's cold. I caved and decided to try p90x. A neighbor let me borrow the dvd's so I got to work. First day I went out of order on accident and did arms and shoulders. Not a problem. However, the second day started something that I didn't enjoy. Plyometrics. Jump training is apparently not my friend. Before I left Shreveport two months ago, I was in pretty good shape. I was lifting weights regularly and running eight miles. Being 31 years old apparently means I lose my ability to rock much quicker. The non-enjoyment is two fold.

First, I felt like a male cheerleader. I don't meant that to say that I was doing back handsprings and lifting crap over my head. Instead, I was jumping and tucking my knees and then I was jumping and bringing my heels up behind my butt. I no longer felt masculine. I literally felt like a male version of a girl cheerleader. Then I had to get a chair and continuously swing my legs back and forth over it. That was cool until I completely lost my equilibrium and kicked the chair square into my three legged cat. The dude ran off again. Dick. So the process wasn't real enjoyable. Let me also point out that repeatedly telling me that there is a one legged guy doing these exercises with you and if he can do it then I should be able to also. This really demotivates me and it royally pisses off the cat because he certainly can't do it. My cat is missing his leg too and he can do most things that other cats can do but he doesn't get on tv and make others feel bad about it.

Second, I woke up the next day without the ability to walk. Unfortunately, I needed gas in my car so when I drove up to the gas station, I had to use the Oh Shit Bar to pry myself out of the car and then walk all bow legged and pigeon toed inside to pay. I hurt so bad that my wife refused to help me. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was complaining or the fact that I kept crossing my arms into the giant X every I talked to her, bragging about how EXTREME I was even though I was immobile and propped up in the bed. The pain lasted for three days and I think you suck. I also think you're deceiving everyone. You have yet to finish an exercise. You start it and do like two reps then get up to make sure everyone else is doing it right. I call Shenanigans. I also think you should drink more water. Your veins aren't suppose to pop out that much and I shouldn't be seeing every single muscle fiber in your shoulders. You're one vein SOB. I rock with the puns too.

Awesomely (and by awesome I indeed mean totally sweet),



Chris R. Noland